Neo-Khan HQ

Maintenance Request

2007-02-15T19:52:00.000-05:00

TO DO LIST 15 February 2007

Put in maintenance request to have Global Warming Weather Control Machine and Foot Callous Remover repaired. System is not operating up to specs:

COLUMBUS , Ohio – A new report on climate over the world's southernmost continent shows that temperatures during the late 20th century did not climb as had been predicted by many global climate models.

This comes soon after the latest report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that strongly supports the conclusion that the Earth's climate as a whole is warming, largely due to human activity.

It also follows a similar finding from last summer by the same research group that showed no increase in precipitation over Antarctica in the last 50 years. Most models predict that both precipitation and temperature will increase over Antarctica with a warming of the planet.

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2007-02/osu-atd021207.php

Out of the Office

2007-02-14T18:30:00.000-05:00

TO: All Personnel

FROM: Agent No. 1 v2.0

RE: Out of the Office

Going to be out of the office on Friday.

I have to go down to the local courthouse.

I'm filing for paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

What the hell; I've got as much chance as the next guy.

YOU FUCKING MORONS

2007-02-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

TO: Wet Works Dept.

FROM: Agent No. 1 v2.0

RE: I OUGHT TO HAVE EVERY ONE OF YOU SHOT!!!

As covert operatives I expect the highest standards from you people and what do I get?

worthless

amateurish

incompetent

sub-moronic

nincompoopery!

What the hell were you people thinking?

I'm trying to buy a present for Juliana Rose Mauriello or have her kidnapped--whichever--and I stumble across this:

Dr. Kelly was probably assaulted during his walk by a group of men who rendered him unconscious, possibly with a stun gun. They were most likely a black bag operation from MI6 with orders directly from Tony Blair. Once immobilized, his killers used some kind of high tech murder weapon on him that leaves no traces to stop his heart. They had secured the electro-cardiogram pads to Dr. Kelly's chest to verify death. Once his heart had stopped they proceeded to 'suicide' him by slitting his wrist. They had planned on putting the body in such a manner that more blood would flow out of his wrist but they were startled by something and being anxious to get away from the crime scene, didn't have time to move the body or to take the pads off.

http://www.nogw.com/shadow.html

Don't you people know you cannot exsanguinate a body after the heart stops beating because the body creates a closed vacuum?

Don't you know you don't have to check for death until AFTER you've exsanguinated the mark?

Don't you know you do not have to kill an incapacitated mark because if his heart is beating he'll pay you the courtesy of bleeding out?

Most importantly...

You don't have to slit the wrists after you use a high-tech device to stop the heart without leaving any traces because 59 YEAR OLD MEN HAVING HEART ATTACKS IS A PERFECTLY PLAUSIBLE AND UNTRACEABLE AND CREATES LESS CONTROVERSY THAN TRYING TO VINCE FOSTER THE VICTIM!!!

You little bastards better get your act together FAST!!!

Big Dick says he ain't happy.

Operation: Ice the Rice

2006-11-21T16:53:00.000-05:00

Using the auspices of the president's trip to southeast Asia--and specifically Vietnam--we were able to settle some old scores using our Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Weather Controlling Device (patent pending).

At least fourteen people were killed in Vietnam and four were reported missing after a hail storm hit the northern province Quang Ninh, officials have said.

"The four missing are probably dead. We just haven't found the corpses yet", said Chu Van Ninh, an official at the flood and storm control departement of Quang Ninh province, on Tuesday.

How to Fake a Wargasm

2006-11-11T16:39:00.000-05:00

I thought we were the ones who were supposed to lie to achieve our objectives.

You can't fake just how fake this fakery about faking really is.

http://hotair.com/archives/2006/11/11/video-mike-mcintee-is-lying/trackback/

Maybe, Keith Olbermann's dates could teach him how to fake it better.

SUCCESS!

2006-11-08T20:19:00.000-05:00

TO: All Personnel

FROM: The Big Dick

RE: Operation: Monkey Shine

By now you are well aware of the fruits of our master stroke. Never have we accomplished so much with so little effort and all of it to be credit to the zeal of our bitterest foes.

The last 6 years have seen those who would oppose us have been suitably frustrated and enraged over every perceived stolen election and circumvention of the law and, as was our intent, laid the blame squarely at the feet of GWB. Though they readily admit his IQ is only double-digits seperated by a decimal point (it's not like flying an F-102 can be any harder than skiing in Vale) they have become so absolutely fixated they know one name and one name only for all their ignominy. With this in mind they believe they have seized the controls of both houses of congress and salivate at the thought of immediately beginning impeachment proceedings. So much the better for us; let them. With his feckless catering and mewling conciliations to the enemy Codename: Monkey Boy, might as well have been the president of Vichy France. The enemy will have fired its one and only political load as the public will not consent to an endless series of impeachment trials.

With the opposition in power and Codename: Monkey Boy, conveniently removed for us we will have handed to us what would have expended far too many resources to achieve by our more “conventional” methods. Thus, our weakest link will be ejected, I will be installed and my hand-picked VP will naturally enjoy the "incumbent’s advantage" in the next election and (s)he will have already been approved by the enemy-held senate, so how will they run against someone to whom they have already given their consent. The pathetic enemy won't even be able to look at the White House until 2016 and by that time we will have outlawed puppy dogs and rainbows.

As much as I am loathe to the idea of expending our assets to aid these impotent dolts I nonetheless directed that the Diebold machines they insisted we install after 2000 be used to ensure nothing was left to chance at this critical juncture. I appreciate the effort of all operatives this matter: The democrats’ win this 2006 mid-term election has muted complaints about past AND FUTURE election-rigging.

With these critical elements and others in place we will be left unopposed. Witness our recent notice that we will be engaged in the Middle East until at least 2010 thus effectively removing the issue from the table as no one wants to second-guess the generals, thanks be to the DNC’s use of Kerry as an absolute moral authority. If a general says it the DNC demands you agree to it and obviously no one in our camp is of the mind to dispute the military we are so infamous for having created.

Moreover, if we do choose to disengage from Iraq the blame for the resulting civil war and attending regional destabilization will fall squarely on the enemy's shoulders; it is after all their referendum on the war. We will watch as the jihadis consume Iraq, Iran spreads its wings forcing the Sunni nations to respond, the Kurds will go autonomous forcing Turkey to declare war, the other Arabs will split along every other of the 10,000 lines they use to kill each other. They will be so preoccupied with slaughtering each other they will barely have time to fight us and our Zionist masters and then we can simply swoop in and pick up the pieces...and barrels. The enemy can't even claim going into Iraq in the first place was a bad idea now that the New York Times was so kind as to make an issue of Saddam Hussein being a nuclear threat as part of their electioneering.

These are heady times, my minions. Lesser beings call this a set-back for the Neocon Theocratic Global Hegemony Zionist Conspiracy, LLC; but if you want real world dominion of a nefarious schemes with minimal effort you need only allow the enemy to do what he does best: be himself.
BTW – I need someone to take Ted Rall on a “camping trip.”

Why We Stole the 2004 Presidential Election

2006-10-31T23:16:00.000-05:00

TO: All Personnel

FROM: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: Why We Stole the 2004 Presidential Election

Yes, we may be election-stealing, war-faking, seal-clubbing SUV-driving evil doers but at least we respect the US military far too much to allow this miserable bastard to be their Commander-in-Chief:

Ecumenicist Overtures

2006-10-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

TO: Agent No.1 v2.0

FROM: Carl

RE: Ecumenicist Overtures

As you well know the minions of the Theocracy are decidedly within our camp, delightful, brain-numbed little dears that they are. Try as we might we have been unable to get the atheists to rally to our cause. On the contrary our once unchallenged territory has recently been threatened by Dean, Kerry and others making religious overtures. Even Hillary has declared herself an evangelical Christian. Fortunately, our easily-led mindless sheep have not been lead away by these frivolous gestures.

However, it has recently come to our attention that, The DaVinci Code has made quite a splash among the godless. While these people are ordinarily hostile to any semblance of religion they have nonetheless fallen over themselves to absorb every line of this sophomoric rant wrapped up as a history lesson.

Please engineer a suitable pseudo-Bible our Vatican agents can insert into the public domain that the enemy will find palatable but help us clear up this rabble.

==========

TO: Carl

FROM: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: I’m on it!

And it came to pass in the season of Jehosephat the Jumper that Moses did ascend the great mountain and he went up unto the LORD and into the midst of the flame and the LORD spake unto him saying, "LOL.

“Moses, did thou not know that I the Lord thy God was pulling upon thy leg with all that other stuff? Let the lowly have their large families and stable economies but thou art a sacred people unto the LORD and thou shall eschew the way of the laborer and the warrior and the breeder that all the world may know thou are my people. Unto thy ministers thou shall consign thy birth, thy childhood, thy manhood even unto the end of thy days, from day until night and from night until day, for thy food and thy cloak and thy home you shall depend upon them that thou may be a free people.

“And there shall come in troubled times the sign of the elephant riding in the heavens that he who shall be called The Simple One, he who is slow of tongue shall cometh forth and cause all manner of strife among the LORD’s people. And many shall oppose him and when they gather in the market to cast their lots he shall conjure dark magic and no matter how hard a man may mark his clay tablet with a “D” yet shall it read “R” when the lots are counted. And it shall be given unto this simple wizard the power conjure fearsome storms and many shall be gripped in madness and the people shall suffer the worst economy ever to see four-and-a-half percent unemployment and a bursting stock market.

“And lo the elephant shall stampede to the East and to the West, crushing beneath it all manner of innocent dictator and misunderstood tyrant and none shall stop it. But my people shall not be deceived. Nay, even the lowliest virgin of the ethers shall uncover the plot of The Simple One and they shall make many messages exposing his evil but they shall be ridiculed and mocked by those that call themselves ‘Sane.’

“It shall be in those days that I the LORD thy God shall call my people forth to come out of that land. I shall take them to a land flowing with cheese where the monkeys eat freely beneath their white linens. And thy daughters, the unshaved, shall find their peace with the daughters of the veil. And thy sons shall find their ease upon the couch unburdened by job and they shall not rise from their leisure save but to procure more Cheetos.”

And then the LORD did command that the words of this book be sealed up and hidden so that only the really, really smart ones—those who are definitely smarter than all those other people—obtain the wisdom bestowed by being really smart like they are.

Amen.

Where's My Torture?

2006-10-22T02:50:00.000-04:00

*** INSTANT MESSAGING SESSION - OPEN***

Carl: What the hell is going on down there?

Agent No.1 v2.0: Well, Rummy has his tie caught in the copy machine again and Ashcroft is running around painting bikinis on all the nude statues. It's really creepy because he's even doing it to the male ones.

Carl: No, I meant about the torture. Why am I noticing a distinct lack of torture around here? Where's my torture?

Agent No.1 v2.0: I'm sorry sir I don't remember anything about any torture.

Carl: Bullshit! This came straight from the president himself.

Agent No.1 v2.0: Sorry sir, I don't have anything here about torture.

Carl: Yes you do. I watched him sign the Executive Order myself.

Agent No.1 v2.0: We don't have anything like that.

Carl: It's a goddam Executive Order! On presidential letterhead!

Agent No.1 v2.0: Sir, the only thing like that we have around here is a drawing in crayon on White House stationary of a bearded stick figure being stabbed with little red dots dripping off of it.

Carl: THAT'S the one!

Agent No.1 v2.0: ah

Carl: So when are you going to start torturing someone?

Agent No.1 v2.0: Well, we have Kahlid Sheik Mohammed in custody we could always work him over. We also have dozens of high-value targets under surveillance.

Carl: Nah. I was thinking more in the lines of someone totally innocent. Just grab some LBP off the street and have at it.

Agent No.1 v2.0: OK. Anything in particular you had in mind?

Carl: How about waterboarding? We like that. Do you think you can handle waterboarding?

Agent No.1 v2.0: I'm on it.

Security Breach!

2006-10-20T20:40:00.000-04:00

TO: Carl

From: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: Security Breach

I just discovered that the enemy has penetrated the inner workings of the Illuminati.

The Illuminati is the oldest term commonly used to refer to the 13 bloodline families (and their offshoots) that make up a major portion of this controlling elite. Most members of the Illuminati are also members in the highest ranks of numerous secretive and occult societies which in many cases extend straight back into the ancient world. The upper levels of the tightly compartmentalized (need-to-know-basis) Illuminati structural pyramid include planning committees and organizations that the public has little or no knowledge of.

Obviously this person is from the enemy camp as his exposure to the public education system is betrayed by the dangling participle.

He continues:

The upper levels of the Illuminati pyramid include secretive committees with names such as: the Council of 3, the Council of 5, the Council of 7, the Council of 9, the Council of 13, the Council of 33, the Grand Druid Council, the Committee of 300 (also called the "Olympians") and the Committee of 500 among others.

Fortunately we were able to contain the damage. At this point we are able to ascertain that he knows nothing about The Council of Only Prime Numbers or, The Committee for Redundant and Repetitively Named Committee Names Council.

==========

TO: Agent No.1 v2.0

From: Carl

RE: WTF

I want a full-court press on this bastard! I want wiretaps, fingerprints, satellite images, sub-dermal tracers, bank traces and EM scans until this bastard is found!!!

==========

TO: Carl

From: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: Security Breach

No need for all that, sir. He lists his name with every article so we'll just look him up in the phone book.

Quarterly Oil Revenue Report

2006-10-20T15:44:00.000-04:00

TO: Carl

From: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: Quarterly Oil Revenue Report

As you know we recently had to lower oil prices to dupe the American electorate back into voting Republican during the vital mid-term elections. Although the enemy has caught wind of the scheme we were concered we would be forced to temporarily stop ruining the economy to make ourselves rich.

But I am happy to report significant profit margins.

As you know, this time last year the average cost of gasoline was $2.00/gallon and we 're able to push it to $3.00/gallon; an increase of 50%. With this latest manipulation we lowered the price from $3.00/gallon back down to $2.00/gallon; a reduction of 33%. Now as any student in a public school can tell you if you subtract 33 from 50 you're left with a difference of 17 and 17% is a hefty profit!

==========

TO: Agent No.1 v2.0

FROM: Carl

RE: You Idiot!

That's not how you figure the difference; we're not dealing with straight numbers, we're dealing with percentages!

You take the 33% decrease off of the original 50% you're left with 66% of the original increase which is roughly twice the profit margin you figured.

So while you math sucks your ability to generate filthy lucre is impressive. There will be a bonus in your Winter Solstice check.

==========

TO: Carl

FROM: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: Woo-Hoo!

Branson, Missouri, here I come!

This Oughta Brighten Your Day

2006-10-20T08:57:00.000-04:00

TO: Agent No.1 v2.0

FROM: The Starr Chamber

RE: This Oughta Brighten Your Day

Supposedly there's this new book coming out called American Mourning, A Story of Two Families, and in it there's some juicy tidbits about Cindy Sheehan:

Cindy was in Crawford when a process server found her and handed over the lawsuit that would end her marriage. Cindy Sheehan had a boyfriend who is a major anti-war activist, Lew Rockwell. Cindy Sheehan took refuge with a computer that became her companion day and night. Cindy Sheehan’s former sister-in-law says “Cindy had become addicted to online chat rooms of a pornographic nature. She had many men communicating with her. ” When she left her home, she also left behind evidence of her pornography addictions and her dalliances. The Sheehan family’s deterioration was punctuated by painful evidence of Cindy’s liaisons in hundreds of explicit e-mails and instant messages. (pp. 170-172)

Is that not a riot or what?

It makes me laugh to think, somewhere out there are a bunch of desperately horny idiots are typing dirty messages to what they think is some hot-to-trot little philly is in fact...

Just as a laugh I had the boys over at the NSA trace her ISP and it turns username is, wetcockslut69. How funny is that?

==========

GODDAMIT!

format c:/

Jingoistic, Exploitative & Sublimely Violent

2006-10-19T23:47:00.000-04:00

TO: Agent No.1 v2.0

FROM: Eye of Newt

RE: Congrats on New Site, but...

...it looks a little sparse in here. Is there anything you can do to spruce the place up; maybe something entertaining yet jingoistic, exploitative and sublimely violent?

==========

TO: Eye of Newt

FROM: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: I'm on it!

Operation: Heebie-Jeebies

2006-10-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

TO: Those Whose Names Shall be The Nameless Ones

FROM: Agent No.1 v2.0

RE: SitRep - Operation: Heebie-Jeebies

My Dark Lords,

Though I take great pride and pleasure in being your soulless minion but I must confess I am at a loss to carry out my latest set of orders. It is my understanding that my instructions are to, “sow fear and terror in the hearts of the citizenry to make them more pliable and consenting to the eventual take-over of every minute facet their lives by the Neocon World Order by means of an incessant agitation through a merciless barrage of negative stories and imagery promulgated through our media outlet.”

All well and good; however a recent survey of the enemy’s own media outlets reveals the following:

· Cell phones give you cancer
· The cows are all going mad
· The birds have the flu
· Another ice age looming
· Cabbages will kill you
· New diseases will kill you
· New medicines will kill you
· The stock market gains are phony
· Retirement accounts are bankrupt
· Unemployment is sure to rise
· Inflation can’t be far behind
· Schools can’t teach
· Schools are more dangerous than Iraq
· Your priest is a pedophile
· Your congressman is a pedophile
· Your school teacher is a pedophile
· Your kids don’t have enough condoms
· You have too many trans-fats
· You don’t have enough glycemic carbohydrates
· People are too fat
· Supermodels are too thin
· People watch too much TV
· Ratings are down
· The government is tapping phones
· The government is putting little brown people in jail
· The government isn’t doing enough to stop terrorists
· Jews are evil
· Christians are assholes
· Racism is rampant
· Israel is too effective
· Iraq is too futile
· Nuclear war is mere weeks away
· Paris Hilton has a new album

My dread masters, I’m tapped.

If you can think of something that has been overlooked I’ll see if I can get Roger Ailes to insert it into the news cycle but I think the enemy has just about covered all the bases.

Faking Global War for Fun & Profit

2006-10-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

TO: Agent No.1

FROM: Carl

RE: Faking Global War for Fun and Profit

All hail Be’el ze Bub and maha-bone.

We are about to embark on our greatest scheme ever for the conquest of the world. It is extremely important that you pay close attention to every detail as failure is not an option and even a single mistake will foil the entire scheme. The crux of your assignment revolves around procuring vast amounts of oil wealth to subsidize the economy that in turn enriches the capitalist military-industrial complex to be used to further our aim of global conquest.

The first thing you need to do is to seize control of the presidency. We need a real goober of a warmonger in the White House that will push troops across the globe without hesitation based on the flimsiest of excuses. Although we tried co-opting the enemy the most we could get out of them was Bosnia, Kosovo, Somalia, Haiti and an on-going series of air-strikes; small potatoes for a cabal such as ours.

Your candidate must be easy to manipulate when the time comes and as such he should be so stupid John Kerry and Howard Dean look like a viable contenders. Nanny-state Democrats tend to shy away from schemes of government control so you will have to rest your efforts of deception, brutality, and greed with the religious conservatives. Even then odds are you will need to steal the election and this is best accomplished by suppressing minority voter turn-out. It should be noted that infiltrating democrat controlled polling precincts and parking a police at least 2-miles from the nearest polling station on a road that doesn’t pass anywhere near that station should be sufficient to intimidate most inner-city blacks into staying home.

It will also help if you have an entire cable news network dedicated to your efforts. As you will need to be the #1 rated network in the business in order for this effort to bear any fruit make sure you plan ahead and allot yourself 5 years and at least $750 million dollars in start-up revenue. Once your network is on the air CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, Reuters, Associated Press and all the others uncritically fall into place by declaring your man the winner. Of course the challenger may challenge this pronouncement and sue you in court so make sure when he takes you to state court you have spent the last 20 years using the democrat control of the Senate and White House to confirm and nominate justices so that the US Supreme Court is sufficiently packed with willing dupes to hand you an election stolen from their own candidate.

With those niggling details laid to rest you can begin by lulling the populace into a false sense of security. Have your usurper spend the first 8 months of his term talking about nothing except tax cuts, Social Security reform and education. All the while you will be hard at work planting the seeds of destruction needed to trigger the forthcoming global apocalypse. You need to make a big splash and apparently the cattle—uh, citizenry—won’t be motivated by attacks on embassies, troop barracks or warships so you’ll have to target a class near and dear to the American psyche: salesmen and bureaucrats.

Secrecy is of the utmost concern and if you tip your hand before the plan is ready the entire scheme is blown so choose a location away from prying eyes; like the center of a major metropolitan city.

Needless to say the building will be open for business 24-hours a day, 7-days a week even on major holidays and will be filled with businessmen, janitors, engineers and whatnot so get cracking. Make sure you have established the means transport the tons of needed explosives through the bustling city and into the building.

No, don’t ask me how; I’m the overlord, you’re the minion, you figure it out.

Ordinarily these sorts of controlled demolitions can take a year or more to prepare. The interior must be gutted, walls torn out, wiring removed, plumbing dismantled and facades stripped away so that interior supports can be reached, the explosives emplaced and the initiator wiring meticulously sown to coincide with the precision timing required.

Your ass better be ready by month 8 of the puppet regime taking office!

However, I do understand that matters like this can be labor intensive. You will need construction workers, demolition experts, transport operators, money-men, materiel acquisition experts, waste disposal, security and counter-security agents numbering in the dozens if not hundreds. Moreover, these bloodthirsty killers who will attack their own countrymen must be assured in their loyalties so that no one speaks even years after the fact and the assumed intense investigation. To aid in your efforts you will need a horde of pitiless, mind-numbed automatons. Please find attached a list of all GOP donors that have given more than $20 during the last electoral season.

Returning to the subject of explosives please keep in mind that the average state crime bureau can trace explosive residue not only to the type but also manufacturer and in some cases batch and lot; as such military stockpiles are out of the question. We cannot allow this potential threat of disclosure to reveal our hand so you must be absolutely certain the source of our explosives is secure, sympathetic to our aims and untraceable. I suggest you try the local Wal-Mart in the hardware section between assorted fasteners and ozone-depleting chemicals.

Now that you have the building rigged for explosives —or if need be: multiplying your efforts by targeting additional buildings—you need a plausible excuse to pull the building(s) down. Try a hijacking.

While you’re making all your other arrangements see if you can find a couple dozen oppressed Muslim youths in their early 30’s. They generally congregate in mosques and low-end strip clubs. Get them some fast flying lessons, a few box-cutters then just sit back and enjoy the show as they blend seamlessly into the overall plot. Just make sure they hit the building at precisely the point necessary to disguise the blast of your explosives but not in a way that will interfere with initiator mechanisms.

Just to keep folks guessing I suggest you lob a cruise missile stolen from military stockpiles into our favorite building. I know what I just told you about using traceable military stockpiles, but Betty down at the GOA inspector general’s office owes me a favor so I got this one covered. I’m actually arranging to have Rummy in the building at the time and he doesn’t know. It’s a belated birthday prank so please don’t tell him. Of course that means you have to add an extra plane to the plot. It will be full of screaming passengers who are calling their relatives on the ground and you have to make it disappear from view of presumably hyper-agitated air controllers while still preserving the cover story; but hey, that’s why you’re Agent No.1.

With the sheep sufficiently rattled in their cages they will gladly march off to war at our behest. Now all we need is a target country slopping over with buckets of oil to line our pockets with oily lucre.

But first we’ll attack Afghanistan: the rat’s anus of the Muslim world, just to keep people off-balance. I know what you’re thinking, they beat the British and Soviets, they are the graveyard of empires, what can we possibly gain from attacking these flea-feeders? To be honest, Osama bin Laden borrowed my copy of The Joy of Sex with 72, and hasn’t returned it yet and I’m not stopping until I get it back!

So with that war with the empire-killers neatly wrapped up in no time at all we’ll move on to the real target: Iraq. Ah, Saddam, the perfect dupe. His would be an Arab oasis of egalitarianism and women’s suffrage if not for our meddling. It isn’t easy to portray of man of sympathy as a ruthless dictator that is feared by every neighbor and western intelligence service, but we did it. I hope you appreciate the ground work we’ve laid for you over the years.

Voila! You have your war for oil!

See how easy that was?

Now once our efforts in the target country are complete we can finish clearing out those pesky Palestinians for our Zionist masters via Operation: Gaza Strip-Mall, because as we all know: Jews like to shop. This will be our greatest retailing scheme since we stuffed some vagabond’s baby into a cattle trough 2,000 years ago.

And for Satan’s sake don’t fuck this up! The last thing I want is for this high-precision, razor’s edge military operation with zero margin timing to be uncovered by bunch hemorrhoidal, zit-faced internet virgins.

BULLETIN REMINDER: This year’s Springtacular is themed, “A Celebration of Austerity.” Seating is limited and I don’t want a bunch of ice cream going bad like last year so please RSVP. We’ll be having a naked Iraqi pyramid competition and Jeff “The Cannon” Gannon will be making balloon animals for the children.

==========

TO: Carl

FROM: Agent No.1

RE: re: Faking Global War for Fun and Profit

Sir,

With all due respect why would we go through all the time, effort expense and risk for a profit scheme paying back barely one-tenth of 1-percent of our initial outlay using barely competent indigenous technicians and administrators in a hostile land? As it stands the US has immeasurable all-but-cost-free oil reserves mere miles off its coastlines with the Pacific Ocean and Gulf of Mexico. Not to mention untapped reserves in Alaska that can be had by means of a simple executive order that—while admittedly a potential source of political controversy—wouldn’t even come close to the political capital that would be expended starting and sustaining a war on the other side of the planet. Even if we do want Iraq, Rummy and Saddam are supposed to be best friends; shouldn’t we just underbid the French and have Saddam actually PAY US for taking the oil?

==========

TO: All personnel

FROM: Carl

MEMORANDUM FOR RECORD

That last thing we need around here is a smart-ass. Agent No.1 has been liquidated and replaced by Agent No.1 v2.0.